What happens when someone asks you a question that you want to say “no” to? Do you feel the pressure to say “yes” just to appease others and to avoid conflict?
If you struggle with saying no, listen up! Today we’re giving you a different perspective on what saying no means and how to know when to say yes.
TIME-STAMPED SHOW NOTES:
[00:53] The Struggle to Say No
[03:37] Reasons Why You Say No
[07:25] Changing Your Mindset About “Yes” and “No”
[11:04] What Saying No Really Means
[13:00] Ways to Help You Say No
[20:52] The Confidence to Say No Comes From Within
[23:33] Bloopers
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Living Forward: A Proven Plan to Stop Drifting and Get the Life You Want by Michael Hyatt and Daniel Harkavy
The Struggle to Say No
[Meghan] Hello Theresa! Today’s topic is a bit of a surprise since I’m typically talking about marketing. I really do love conversations about marketing.
But today’s topic keeps popping up in the lives of those around me. It’s something that I wish I knew more about much earlier in life. So, that’s why this episode is all about saying no.
[Theresa] Ah yes! We talk about banishing the barriers and calming the chaos, right? And knowing when to say yes and when to say no are surprisingly big factors in both of those!
[Meghan] Personally, I have really struggled with feeling confident enough to say no. In the past, I’ve wanted to be a people pleaser and avoid conflict. Over the years, I eventually saw a pattern and finally realized how much time I was wasting doing things I didn’t want to do, things that didn’t contribute to my goals. And I put a stop to it.
Unfortunately, I see those around me struggle with saying no—in their businesses, in their personal relationships, and even as parents. So, that’s what inspired today’s episode.
Now, I’m curious, Theresa. Have you struggled with saying no?
[Theresa] Oh yes! Very much like you, I wanted to avoid conflict and please others. I also didn’t want anyone to be angry with me. So, there were many times I said yes to things that brought me no benefit or even did me harm in the long run.
I’d even convince myself that as long as the other person was happy, I was ok with that.
[Meghan] Thanks for sharing that with us.
There are all of these underlying reasons or beliefs that accompany the act of deciding against something in your business. If you struggle with saying no, you’re not alone!
[Theresa] That’s right, you are not alone! Today we’re going to cover the reasons why you say no and what saying no really means so that you can feel confident about your yeses and your no’s!
Reasons Why You Say No – It’s About Mindset
[Meghan] Your perceptions and beliefs guide your behavior. So, it’s really important to understand why you are reluctant to say no. It’s equally important to understand why you say yes to something.
Let’s talk about the reasons you say yes when you want to say no.
[Theresa] And before we move forward, I want to mention that these reasons feel real enough to you, but often they are things you’ve made up in your mind. They are mindset problems. They are perception problems.
[Meghan] Exactly. It comes down to mindset and misconceptions around saying no. Your false beliefs cause your struggle. So let’s demolish those false beliefs to remove the struggle!
What are some reasons you avoid saying no? Let’s talk about some examples.
[Theresa] You may avoid saying no because you worry that you’re letting people down. You may worry that if you say no, people won’t like you or they’ll think you’re a bad person.
Look, I get it! Disappointing people feels bad. Wanting to please others is a common trap. So, these are things you want to avoid, and you can avoid them by saying yes.
[Meghan] Yeah, or maybe you feel compelled to say yes when you don’t have a specific reason for telling someone no. Actually, that’s a common reason people end up saying yes.
If you don’t have a specific, concrete reason for saying no, your default is to automatically say yes.
[Theresa] That can definitely happen! It’s similar to when you say yes so that you don’t have to explain yourself. Right? Then you can avoid conflict by saying yes.
[Meghan] Oh yeah, many people avoid conflict. “Going along to get along” is what my mom calls it. I mean, who enjoys conflict? There’s a time and place for appeasing others, but it’s not a good general rule.
There’s also FOMO or the fear of missing out. So, you don’t want to say no because you’re concerned you’ll miss an opportunity. The fear of missing out causes you to make spur of the moment decisions and agree to things you later regret.
In fact, 60% of people make purchases because of FOMO, mostly within 24 hours. FOMO is a really powerful emotion that directs your actions. It can even pressure you into saying yes to buying stuff.
[Theresa] The point is that there are lots of reasons why you feel like you have to say yes.
But you know what? These reasons are typically impulsive reactions or false beliefs. They aren’t a good way to make decisions or commitments.
[Meghan] Reactions and misperceptions do not lead you to make rational, practical decisions about your time, energy, and goals. And that’s why you don’t feel confident about the choices you make in this manner.
[Theresa] That’s right! There’s nothing rational or practical about the reasons we just mentioned. This is your mind playing tricks on you!
You may avoid saying no because you worry about:
- Missing out on an opportunity forever (FOMO)
- Needing a valid reason to not say yes
- Having to explain yourself
- Resolving conflict over it
- Being labeled a bad person
- Letting others down
- Disappointing others
- Being disliked (you want to be a people pleaser!)
Changing Your Mindset About “Yes” and “No”
[Meghan] Here’s something you may not even realize. Your yes and no decisions are actually a reflection of how you manage your time, your goals, and your priorities.
[bctt tweet=”Your yes and no decisions are actually a reflection of how you manage your time, your goals, and your priorities.” username=”MeghanMonaghan1″]
When you say yes to something, it should be because it supports and reflects your priorities, your goals, your mission, or your values—as a business or as a person.
That said, the opposite is true. When you say no to something, it should be because it doesn’t support your priorities, your goals, your mission, or your values.
Right? Let that sink in for a minute.
[Theresa] What you just said is so important, Meghan!
When you look at “yes” and “no” in this way, you’ll gain a different perspective. Your mindset will shift. You’ll replace your old reasons for saying no with new reasons that align with what’s important to you, what matters to you.
Instead of worrying about what others think about you, focus on your own priorities and any commitments you’ve already made—to others, to yourself, and to your business. You will NEVER please everyone, especially when you’re following your path rather than theirs.
Fair warning: you will let people down when you follow your own goals. There will be people who don’t like you. This will happen, and it’s not your concern.
As journalist and author Regina Brett said, “What others think of you is none of your business.”
“What others think of you is none of your business.” —Regina Brett
[Meghan] So, so true! When you’re committed to your priorities, your community, and your loved ones, you’ll offend, disappoint, and anger others. It’s inevitable.
That’s because some people want you to prioritize their dreams and goals. They want to influence you into following what’s important to them. In other words, people want you to plan your life around their priorities.
Be careful. In doing that, you can sacrifice your own priorities.
I’m not saying that you should be a heartless, uncaring jerk. There will be times when you set your priorities aside to support others! And, you may even set aside a dedicated allotment of time to put your needs aside to support the goals of others. But, that’s planned and part of your values.
[Theresa] What we’re saying is to avoid allowing others to manipulate you or distract you from your path. You’re not selfish and self-centered for sticking to your pursuit of happiness—and don’t let others make you feel that way. Take their criticism with a grain of salt. Don’t make their issues yours.
[Meghan] Good point! I’ve allowed people to make their issues my issues. Internalizing people’s criticisms of me and dealing with their nonsense has led to a bunch of unnecessary drama and stress. Only you can put a stop to that.
What Saying No Really Means
[Theresa] So, so true!
What you say “yes” or “no” to is very much an exercise in time management and planning. It’s about recognizing distractions and thoughtfully considering where to devote your time.
Because when you’re saying yes to one thing, you’re saying no to something else. It’s the principles in the Eisenhower Matrix. If you commit to someone else’s priorities, then your priorities are taking a back seat.
[Meghan] Right. Planning your time and prioritizing your goals helps you figure out what is or isn’t a distraction.
Saying no really means that you’re not allowing outside influences to affect your decisions and set your priorities. And that’s a good thing, right?
[Theresa] Exactly. You can’t do it all. Your time is one of the most valuable assets you have. You can’t buy more of it, and you have a limited amount of it.
[Meghan] That’s an important realization. Look at saying yes as sacrificing your time. You’re giving up your time. Once you value and respect your time, you’ll be less likely to give it away so nonchalantly.
Saying no to the people and things that don’t matter to you means that you’re making a commitment to what does matter to you. Once you understand that, then saying no seems easier, doesn’t it?
Planning your time and prioritizing your goals helps you figure out what is or isn’t a distraction.
[Theresa] It certainly does! The decisions you make are entirely yours. You choose how to spend your time, meet your goals, and live your life. If you don’t plan your life and your time, someone else will!
Once you are proactively managing your time and setting priorities, you’ll feel more confident about your choices. But you’ll usually need to modify your behavior and your mindset.
Ways to Help You Say No
[Theresa] And that brings us to a few tips for making it easier to tell people no. These tips are in the context of business, not in personal life. But, if you can apply them to some personal situations, go for it!
1) Have a Planned Response
[Meghan] Now, if you’re really bad at telling people no, you’re going to appreciate my first suggestion. This tip is good when you’re not yet confident in your decisions. I recommend coming up with a response that you’ll have in your back pocket for any situation.
This way, wherever you’re presented with a yes or no decision, you have a fall-back answer ready to go.
Your backup “no” could be something like “That sounds so great! I’d love to support you. Unfortunately, I’m not able to help with that at this time due to my schedule.”
Another option is to have a “maybe” as a backup response rather than an immediate yes or no. Like, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” Or, “I need time to reflect and think about it before I decide.”
[Theresa] You could also include a timeframe in your reply. That makes the other person more likely not to give you a hard time about your lack of commitment.
So, “let me check my schedule and get back to you” turns into “let me check my schedule and get back to you tomorrow.” This shows your respect for their time, and they know when to expect a definite answer.
[Meghan] I think the self-imposed deadline is a good idea. It does show effort on your part to take them seriously and respect their time.
Personally, I have a rule that I sleep on big decisions. That helps buffer the reactionary, emotional response that I tend to have.
So, you could say, “I’m going to sleep on it and get back to you tomorrow.”
These responses have really come in handy for me. They’ve helped me get better at interacting with others since I don’t have to worry about situations where I’m put on the spot.
[Theresa] Yeah, a planned response does take the pressure off.
Obviously, sometimes it’s easy to say no because you have a clear cut scheduling or ethical conflict. Or, it’s easy to say yes because it’s something you’re prepared for. The point is, you’re not always going to need a planned response. But it’s good to have one just in case!
A planned response prepares you and lets you off the hook in the moment. That way, you get more time to 1) make a decision based on your priorities and 2) prepare a more thoughtful response.
Examples of possible canned replies:
- Let me check my schedule and get back to you tomorrow.
- I need time to reflect and think about it before I decide. I’ll get back to you on XXX.
- I’m going to sleep on it and get back to you tomorrow.
2) Block Your Calendar or Set a Schedule
[Theresa] Yep, there are quite a few benefits of having a planned response.
Another tip that works really well is to block your calendar or set a schedule. Planning your time is one way to respect it and meet your goals.
I have blocks of time scheduled as recurring meetings on my calendar for things like marketing and content creation, for example. Those are important appointments I have with myself. But the only way that works is if I actually respect the time I’ve set aside for my priorities.
Having these times on my calendar makes it easier for me to say no to certain things.
For example, when I’m invited to a morning networking meeting, I can say that I already have an appointment. And it’s true! The appointments I set with myself are just as important as those I have with others. When I respect my time, I don’t feel guilty about saying no.
3) Plan What Matters and Commit to It (and Yourself)
[Meghan] I love that tip since blocking my calendar has been an easy way to see my priorities laid out in front of me. Then I can make an informed decision about what I want to commit to and what I need to let go.
Another way to make decisions easier is to plan what matters to you and commit to it.
Devote a day or a few days to reflect and really give some thought to your business and to your life. Outline your goals, values, and beliefs. Figure out what matters to you and write it down so that you commit to it. Make a life plan.
Whether you say yes or no has so much to do with your commitment to yourself and the plan you’ve designed. Most people don’t have a plan, so the commitment isn’t as strong. And that makes decisions much more difficult.
I’m working on my life plan right now. It’s actually eye-opening. You’ll reveal to yourself that you’ve wanted all of these things out of your life, but you’ve never made a plan to achieve them. And that’s why your dreams are dreams rather than reality.
You will be shocked to discover that you have spent too much time aimlessly existing and not spending time on what matters most to you.
[Theresa] Oh yes, I love this tip! It’s right up my alley. You know I believe that you can’t get there if you don’t know where you want to go.
[Meghan] I had dilly dallied with life planning, but Theresa is responsible for kicking my butt. She introduced me to the process in her Daily Achievers Academy. I’m still finishing up the exercises and learning more about who I am and what I want out of life. And believe it or not, this has EVERYTHING to do with your business. Because life and business go hand in hand.
[Theresa] Thanks for the shout out, Meghan!
[Meghan] Oh my gosh, Daily Achievers Academy has been so helpful! It’s not open right now, correct?
[Theresa] That’s correct.
What you’re specifically referring to is the core content of the Daily Achievers’ Academy called Plan to Achieve. I’ll be launching that in late September.
[Meghan] I also recommend reading the book Living Forward: A Proven Plan to Stop Drifting and Get the Life You Want by Michael Hyatt and Daniel Harkavy. This is an easy read with real-life examples from the authors and their clients. The book will help you plan your life and your business.
When you have a clearcut, defined path for your life, it’s so much easier to understand which opportunities align with your goals. A plan provides the structure for decision making and living your life with confidence. And this isn’t a theory or strategy. This is the blueprint that many successful people use to achieve their dreams.
When you know WHY you’re saying yes or no in relation to your commitments, you remove some of the negative or guilt feelings you may have had in the past related to saying no. At least, that’s what I’ve found to be true.
[Theresa] Yes to all of that, Meghan. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
The Confidence to Say No Comes from Within
[Meghan] We’ve covered a lot of ground in this episode. I know we didn’t cover everything we could have. But I really hope that you gained a new perspective on decision making and what the words “yes” and “no” really mean to you and your goals.
[Theresa] We did cover a lot. Making a change in your behavior and mindset is rarely fast. So, give yourself some time to let this information sink in. It takes time to change. And be patient with yourself.
[Meghan] And I want to give you permission to say no. Saying no doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. Please don’t ever feel like you have to tell people the “why” behind your decision. It’s none of their business.
Having confidence comes from within. It’s taken a LONG time for me to feel comfortable in my decisions related to my time and my priorities. I had to feel a lot of regret first. Regret about wasting time and money, and sadness about investing myself in things that really didn’t matter to me.
What I learned is that saying no to what doesn’t matter gives you the time to focus on the things that do matter. So, reposition your thinking around saying no. And, plan your life and your time so that you’re living the life of your dreams and not someone else’s, okay?!
The word “no” is not negative. “No” equals freedom. Don’t be afraid to say no!
[Theresa] Yes, yes, yes!!! I just want to add that the word “no” is not negative. “No” equals freedom. So, use it to your benefit.
[Meghan] Ok, that’s it for this episode! If you like what you heard today, please subscribe to the podcast and share this episode with a friend!
